


Death Rules, Living Drools

by Kraken_of_the_Deep



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Naruto
Genre: Blood and Gore, Hidan is Harry, Hidan's mouth, Humor, Jashinism, Vulgar Language, more tags to come
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2018-10-19 19:36:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10646625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kraken_of_the_Deep/pseuds/Kraken_of_the_Deep
Summary: Jashin finds a dead child and decides to use it for his own gain, but not without consequences...





	1. The End of an Era

**The End of an Era**

* * *

 

     Jashin was bored. His only current follower was buried underground, in millions of pieces, and he had to have a legitimate reason to get him out. He was searching the different dimensions, looking for something he could use, when an explosion below caught his eye.

_**Hmmmm, what's this?** _

He quickly descended and found a house blown apart. He could not feel any living souls within, but there was something that grabbed his attention. Two souls, no make that one and a partial souls. Surveying the room, he saw a red-headed female, lying next to a child's crib. However, even though her body was no longer living, her soul was trying to stay around.

_**What's this? Why does she try to linger?** _

Now very curious, he "read" her soul.

_Protect! Love! Protect!_ Was the soul's only thoughts. Jashin was intrigued. Looking to the child's crib, he saw a small body, probably not even two years of age. Unfortunately, the soul of a child that young would not survive a death. At that moment, the partial soul he had felt upon arriving, although weak, was burning with rage! Jashin felt it pull energy towards itself, reading for an attack.

Amused, Jashin allowed it to advance. Just as it was about to hit him, he grabbed the soul piece, and threw it out of the house with enough force that it would be unable to return for a few years.

_**That takes care of that.**_ He nodded. _**Now, maybe I can use this for my own gains…**_

Thinking back to why he had come here in the first place, _**AHA! I can bring my loyal follower, and he can spread the wonder of Jashin! HAHAHAHA!**_

Thinking, he decided that if he brought his loving zealot here, and had his soul posses the child, he could start 'teaching' the people of this world about the Great and Powerful Jashin!

Realizing that he should not tell his follower that he would be possessing a child's body, and would have to go through puberty again, as this would be payback for all the paperwork Hidan caused him.

He loved Hidan, he really did, but sometimes…..sometimes dealing with him was like trying to train a dog, a stubborn and stupid one at that.

Chortling, he suspended the scene of the blown-up house, and teleported to where his lovely apostle *minion* was currently imprisoned.

This was torture, Hidan decided. It had to be. He was buried under many feet of dirt, body parts disconnected, and no way to get put back together.

' **HIDAN** _ **!'**_ A loud voice boomed within his head.

' _Jashin-Sama.'_ Hidan was sure, it could only be his beloved god.

' **YES HIDAN. I AM HERE TO OFFER YOU NEW LIFE, SO YOU CAN CONTINUE MY TEACHINGS. WILL YOU GO AND TEACH THE LOWLY BEINGS ALL ABOUT ME, YOUR JASHIN-SAMA?**

' _Fuck yes! I'll go fuckin' anywhere you want, and teach all the motherfucking heathens about you Jashin-Sama_!' He would do anything, even give his immortality back, if Jashin-Sama wanted.

' **YES, I'M SURE YOU WILL. THE WORLD WHERE I AM SENDING YOU HAS NOT HEARD FROM ME FOR A LONG TIME. I AM HOPING THAT YOU, MY MOST LOYAL, WILL BE ABLE TO SHOW THESE WORMS WHAT THEY HAVE BEEN MISSING!'**

There was a pause, then Jashin spoke again.

' **HIDAN, I WANT YOU TO FIND MY ARTIFACTS THAT I LEFT ON THIS WORLD MANY, MANY YEARS AGO. IF YOU FIND THESE ITEMS, YOU WILL BE ABLE TO COME BACK HERE, AND SHOW THESE HEATHENS THAT NO ONE CAN MESS WITH JASHIN AND HIS FOLLOWERS, AND NOT PAY A PRICE!'**

Hidan did not even have to ponder on this decision for a second. ' _I will do anything for you, Jashin-Sama! I will slaughter all the fuckers and bathe in their blood! All for you!'_

Jashin sweat-dropped. _**Well, I guess that answer is as good as any. I still can't figure out where all this swearing came from though….**_

' **BE ON YOUR WAY THEN. I WILL CONTACT YOU IN A WHILE. IN THE MEANTIME, ENJOY YOUR NEW LIFE!**

' _I will Jashin-Sama, I fuckin' promise I will'_ Hidan grinned, happy to be of service to his god. He felt his body go numb, and then a squeeze. Then he felt a new body. It was smaller than the last, and felt weaker. Opening his eyes, he was given the shock of a life time!

' _I'M A MOTHERFUCKING BABY!'_

* * *

 

Across the dimensions, Jashin heard a baby's wail, and snickered to himself-

_**Good luck Hidan, you'll need it.** _


	2. A Horrible Start and a Terrible Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hidan's early life is troublesome....
> 
> Well, buckle up Hidan, your struggles are just beginning.......

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoys this! I do enjoy writing, though I have a lot going on. I am going to try for at least three chapter updates per month.  
> Please let me know what you think, I'm open to suggestions.

**A Horrible Start**

Little Whining was a normal neighborhood, quiet streets, simple houses, and normal residents.  Well, most were normal.  One house on Privet Drive, was hiding a secret.  A young boy, who was as abnormal as they come, lived in this house.  The owners of this house hated this abnormality.  He was a blemish on their normal life.  

Now, one could wonder why they have not gotten rid of him, if he is as bad as they say.  The answer-  they tried.

The morning that they found the child on their porch,Petunia Dursley and her husband Vernon, hopped into their car and rushed to the nearest church.  Quickly leaving the child on the church’s steps, still in the basket he was found in.  Petunia and Vernon then sped away, not once looking back.  

However, when they arrived home, the child was once again upon their porch.  Now fearing for their lives, they made a tough decision - they would keep the boy.  At that moment, the boy’s eyes opened and revealed toxic green eyes.  They knew, at that moment that their normal lives were gone forever.

 

* * *

*About 10 years later*

‘ _ Why do I fuckin’ put up with this shit?’   _ Hidan sighed.  

It had been about ten years since Jashin-Sama had stuck him in the body of a child, and he had been suffering ever since.  ‘ _ Why am I still here _ ?’

“Boy!  You had better be cleaning that bathroom till it’s spotless!  I won’t have it anything but for my darling Dudder’s birthday!”  The shrill voice of his ‘Aunt’ yelled down the hallway.

“Fuck you!” He shot back.  Her response was the same as always, and he never got tired of hearing it. “Do not you that vulgar language, Freak!  You should be grateful we are taking care of you!”

Hidan snorted.  ‘ _ Yeah, as if you had a choice in the matter.’ _

No matter how much his ‘relatives’ hated him, they literally could not get rid of him.  Every single time they tried leaving him somewhere, or anytime he himself, tried to leave, he would somehow end up back at the Dursley’s.  No one could explain how and he always had no idea how he ended back there, but he still tried to leave periodically.  

Jashin-Sama had come to him a while back, and explained the basics to him.  What was expected of him, what to look out for, and just basic information regarding this new world.  He was told that he still had his immortality-Thank Jashin!- and that his chakra reserves would eventually reach the strength of his old body.

(He was also told that the body he currently inhabited would change over time until he looked as he did in his home world)  

 

His beloved god had also told him of a secret society, one that his current body’s parents had belonged to.  Wizards, honest to fuck Wizards.  He had no trouble believing this though, as he knew Jashin-Sama would never lie to him.  (He was apparently famous to those heathens, for surviving a one-hit-kill spell/jutsu thingy.  He had a good laugh about that.)

 

By now he had finished cleaning the disgusting shithole the Dursley’s called a bathroom -at least he had finished all he would actually do(not much).  “Aunt Petunia,” he yelled,  “I’m fuckin’ done. I think I’m gonna go outside and slaughter some heathens.”

The “Horse’s” shriek pierced his eardrums, “You will not go outside at all!  Vernon and I are taking Duddy out to the zoo, and you are going to be staying in with that batty old lady, Mrs. Figg.”

“Fuck!”

“Boy, I have had it it with the vulgarity!  This stops now!”  His “Uncle’s” bellow rang out.

Hidan knew he was pushing it.  “Fine.”   _ For the moment anyway. _

 

Just then Hidan felt Jashin-Sama’s presence.

**‘HIDAN’**

‘ _ Jashin-Sama?’ _

**‘Go to the old hag’s place.  I have brought you a gift for dealing with these moronic imbeciles.  It will hopefully help you in your mission for my lost items’**

‘ _ Oh, fuckin’ thank you, Jashin-Sama. I will sacrifice all the heathens who stand in my way to you!’   _ Hidan promised.

Jashin sweatdropped.   **_Of course that would be his response, why am I not surprised…_ ** **_Anyway, I hope he appreciates his ‘gift.’ Ahh, who am I kidding?  Oh well, at least I will get a good laugh.’_ **

* * *

 

Right then, Hidan had entered Mrs. Figgs house.  The batty old lady had a thing for cats, and her house always smelled weird, so Hidan was always terrible for her.  She normally left him to his own devices after a few failed attempts at conversation.  This time however, she let him in, guided him to the back yard, and left him there. 

Wondering what his divine gift was, he looked around with narrowed eyes.  “Meow”  

Hidan jumped. “Ahhh!  Fuck!  It’s a shitty cat!”  

The cat, for that is what it was, stepped out of the bushes.  It was an odd looking cat, with dark grey fur, black striped markings, and odd green eyes.  

Hidan’s eyes widened.  “It can’t be! Oh Jashin-Sama, why? Why THIS fuckin’ heathen?”

 

* * *

 

The feline looked up at Hidan, closed it’s eyes, and groaned.  ‘ _ Why, oh why am I here?  I thought I was rid of this Idiot!’ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you guess who is stuck with Hidan?
> 
> I have a question: Does anyone what there to be pairings? If so, who/who? (I am NOT pairing Hidan with any Akatsuki member, Hermione or Ginny. No harems either.)  
> I look forward to seeing where this story goes!
> 
> Until next time,   
> The Kraken


	3. It's A Cat-astrophe!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Hidan, Jashin is a troll!

**It’s a cat-astrophe!**

 

Hidan stared at the cat.  “Fuck!  Why are you here, shitty Miser?”

The cat stared back.  ‘ _ How did I end up with this moron again?  Better question- why am I a cat?’ _

 

***Start FLASHBACK***

**Kakuzu was enjoying the afterlife.  He had money, quiet, and money.  No loudmouth Jashinists, no constant swearing, and no fear for his money.  This was the life, well, afterlife that he deserved.  Though it was missing something.  He could not put a finger on it.  Kakuzu was just starting to count another pile of cash, when a burst of multicolored smoke engulfed his vision.** **_‘Who dares disturb my quiet?’_ ** **He thought, as he tried to see into the smoke.**

**“Why hello there Kakuzu.  Long time no see.” Greeted a voice.**

**As the smoke cleared, a figure of a man was visible.  He had short black hair, piercing blood-red eyes, and a crooked smile upon his face.  His appearance was not as strange as his aura, which gave off an otherworldly vibe.**

**Not remembering ever having met this strange man, Kakuzu decided to do what he does best, ignore the man in favor of his lovely piles of money!**

**He had just started counting again, when ALL his money vanished!  All gone, disappeared, never to be seen again!  Kakuzu had never felt so much anguish in his life and now, in his own afterlife no less, it was taking all of his restraint not to start crying!**

**“Who are you to do this to me?”  He yelled, his voice not completely steady.**

**The man looked Kakuzu in the eyes, “I have a proposition for you, but you were not listening to me, so I took action.”  He stated calmly.**

**Angered, Kakuzu stared back, his voice shaking with rage, “Then tell me what this ‘proposition’ is that you so ‘kindly’ are offering.”**

**“Well, I am offering you the chance to come back to life.” The man started, “I would be employing you to hunt down a group of terrorists.  You would be paid, and once they are all dead, you will be given the choice to stay alive, or come back here.”**

**Kakuzu thought on this…… The promise of money and rebirth sounded promising, and would relieve the monotony he had been feeling, but this offer seemed to good to be true.  “What’s the catch?”**

**Throwing his head back, the mysterious man laughed.  “HAHAHAHA!  Oh, you are definitely smarter than my poor little subordinate!  Okay, the catch is that you will no longer have your current body, at least to start with.  You will also be tasked with watching my wayward subordinate.  He has a few screws loose, if you know what I mean.  He means well, but well……...let’s just say it gets messy when he is involved.  That is all.  If something changes, I will make sure to notify you.”  The man narrowed his eyes, his voice becoming steely.  “Now, are you accepting my offer, or will you decline?”**

**The look in his eyes promised that it would not be in Kakuzu’s interest to decline.**

**‘** **_Well, this will reduce my boredom and I will be able to fight again.  I will be paid, and all I need to do is watch this man’s servant of sorts.  Downside is I won’t have my ‘current body’, whatever that means.’_ **

**Having made up his mind, he answered, “I accept-”**

**He was cut off by the man, “Oh, goody!  Well, let’s get you there right away!”**

**Kakuzu felt his whole body become weightless, a really disconcerting feeling, and felt as if he was being sucked through a really narrow tube.  All he could see was brightly colored sparks.  As suddenly as this all started, the feeling ended.  His body hit the ground and he felt grass beneath his paws- wait, WHAT?  PAWS!!!!!  Turning, he came face to face with the one ‘person’ he never wanted to see again….of course this was all HIS fault!**

 

**HIDAN!!!!!!**

***End FLASHBACK***

 

_ Presently _

Hidan could not believe it.  Jashin-Sama had brought the shitty miser back, but as a fucking CAT!  That had to be the funniest fucking shit he had EVER seen!

“Bwhahahahaha!  Look at you, shitty miser!  You are a fuckin’ cat! Hahahahaha!!!”

Kakuzu gave him a deadpanned stare.  “I can tell that you idiot!” ‘ _ Please let him pass out, or even die of laughing, so I do not have to subjected to this absurdity!’ _

**“Now, now.  Play nice you two.  The both of you will be working together for me.  Hidan, I have tasked you with collecting my sacred items, and in the process you will be doing other tasks for me.  As for you, Kakuzu, you already accepted my proposal, did you not?  You will both work together, or face my punishment!  Is that clear?”**

Hidan, clearly not wanting to disappoint his god, kneeled on the ground.  “O-of course, Jashin-sama! I will do as you say-  even if I have to work with the shitty old geezer again….”

**“Good, and Kakuzu?”**

Sighing, Kakuzu closed his eyes, “Fine, but the payment had better be worth it.”

 

**“Now that we have come to an agreement, I will leave you two.  In the attic of your current house, Hidan, I have left some scrolls, equipment, and supplies.  My suggestion is that the two of you leave this settlement, and find a good location to train.  Bye for now, and good luck!”**

Once Jashin’s presence had completely dissipated, Kakuzu and Hidan looked at each other and snarled.  

Both thinking ‘ _ This couldn’t get any worse!’ _


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jashin is kinda worried....and a new face appears

_( Last time: **“Now that we have come to an agreement, I will leave you two….find a good location to train.  Bye for now, and good luck!”**_

_ Once Jashin’s presence had completely dissipated, Kakuzu and Hidan looked at each other and snarled. _

_ Both thinking ‘ This couldn’t get any worse!’) _

_______________________________________________________________  
  
  


While following Hidan to wherever the crazy priest currently lived, Kakuzu thought over his somewhat rash decision.

_ I should NOT have agreed to this… _ Currently, Kakuzu was wishing he had declined this ‘ _ Jashin’s’  _ offer.  If only he had refused, he could still be back counting his hoard of money!

He would have to put up with his idiot partner once again.  Not only that, he was no longer human!  Would his  _ Jiongu  _ still work?  Well, no time like the present to test it out!

Slowly, he called up the chakra he felt still flowing through his body.  To his delight, he was still able to attack and defend himself.  He did NOT have to rely on his moronic ‘partner’.  Getting into the motions, he carefully detached his front paw, and sent it towards Hidan with the intent to scratch at his leg.  

Unfortunately, he miscalculated the amount of chakra his current body could use, his paw slowed down before he could extend his claws.  Instead of scratching Hidan, he tripped him.  Falling over, Hidan just barely managed to catch himself before he fell flat on his face.  

“Ha, look at you, Hidan!”  Kakuzu mocked, trying to hide the chagrin he felt from his failure.  “You can’t be a serious shinobi if you are such a klutz!”

Oh no, He did NOT just go there….

Feeling humiliated, Hidan reached down and snatched the snarky cat by the scruff of his neck.

Lifting Kakuzu up by his face, but far enough away that those sharp claws of his were not able to reach, Hidan slowly smirked.  “I think that you have no fuckin’ room to talk! You can’t be one right now either!  In case your old, rotting brain forgot, you are currently a shitty cat!  That’s right, you are a fuckin’ animal!  At least, I’m a human!”

Hissing, Kakuzu shifted his body around and managed to get his claws into Hidan’s wrist. 

“Fuck!”  Hidan dropped Kakuzu, who immediately turned around and pounced on Hidan’s face.  “Ge’off you fuckin’ son of bitch!”

Grabbing at the cat on his face, Hidan did not notice the rock next to his foot.  Stumbling over it, he lost his balance and fell on his rear.  This had not stopped the pissed cat from continuing his assault.  The way things were looking, this was going to go on for a long time...

Watching this ongoing, and escalating, scuffle Jashin had his head in his hands.

**_I knew this was a bad idea…. Why did I have to pair these two up together again?  This was not one of my better ideas…_ **

 

“BAAAAAAAAAA”

 

Both ex-shinobi froze.  That was not either of them.  Looking at each other, then glancing about at their surroundings.  Tree, tree, log, bush, another tree, a sheep, another log, anoth-  A SHEEP?  What on earth was a sheep doing out here, of all places?

**_Oh no, please, PLEASE, let it not be her!  Anyone of his fellow entities, but NOT her!_ **  Jashin was now wishing he had never, ever investigated that darn house!  Then maybe, just maybe, he would not have pulled his “sister’s” curiosity!

**_Why did Mei decide to show up?_ **

 

Hidan and Kakuzu stared at the sheep.  The sheep stared back.  Then opened it’s mouth- “Hello boys!”

Both once-powerful warriors stared some more, then passed out on the grass!

A cloud surrounded the sheep, and when it cleared, a young girl was standing in her place.  

Long blonde hair framed a child-like face and wide, innocent looking grey eyes looked over the boy and his cat.  

“I’m not that scary am I?”  Pouting, she sat down in the grass, her white lace dress shifting in the wind. 

“Well, I guess I should wake them up, after all, I did not just come here for laughs.”

**__________________________________________________________________ **

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who is this “Mei”?  And why is our beloved Jashin so worried about her? Can Hidan and Kakuzu EVER work together?  Find out in the next chapter!
> 
>  
> 
> Hi everyone!  Sorry about the long wait!  I have been dealing with RL, and not having a lot of time to really write.  Hope you enjoy this update!

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think, and what you would like to see happen to poor Hidan.
> 
> Thanks again,
> 
> The Kraken signing out


End file.
